Sunday, 10 July 2016

Fuck it!

I remember the days when it would take me 24 hours to generally recover from a hangover and I would to think that was hell, now I find myself taking nearly two days to recover from a bit of light walking!!!

Saturday I decided to make the most of the nice day and headed into the city for a bit of walking around and maybe treat myself to a coffee.  Now, I find myself on most days having an internal argument which goes along these lines “grrrr I’m hurting, yes but you need to go to work, yes but I don’t think I can do it, yes but you know once you get there you will be fine and on and on it goes!!! When it comes to working and life I set very high expectations of myself and anything less is not acceptable and I’m finding now that this is my stumbling block.  Having time in the office due to my foot injury it has given me time to reflect and figure out what I really want and the conclusion is “physical work is just not for me anymore” and when I think, oh I can do it, it will be fine, I think back to the nights I would come home in such agony from walking and pushing my body beyond it capabilities and all because I set the bar so high for myself.   For the last 8 months I have forgotten what that pain felt like until this weekend.  It was suggested by my doctor and Injury management that I try some light duties back on the floor at work and see how my pain levels and overall health goes – so I have agreed to a one week trial for 1 hour each day because if you don’t try you will never no, but more on that towards the end of the week. 

Back to Saturday, whilst it was enjoyable I now feel like I have a hangover that just won’t go away….I hit my low on Saturday afternoon when I had to ask my husband to dress me after getting out of the bath, as the urge to puke and pass out while lying down was too overwhelming…and Sunday afternoon was a real treat,  I realised that slowly the pain is becoming a 12/10 – nothing is working, the pills don’t work, and It’s another 7 hours before I can take anymore, the hot water bottle is not working, sitting is painful, lying down is uncomfortable, the body starts to sway when walking,  it feels like a force is pulling me back when I’m standing still, the head is full of stuff and even my toes and finger tips ache – they are hurting now while typing and all I want to say it fuck it – fuck you fibro, fuck you vertigo, fuck you meds for not working

And here we are Monday morning and again the internal argument started but the perfectionist in me won and the pain is probably a 10/10…so today whilst I’m at work and feeling really pissed that I feel like a 73 year old, and that my body has gone to pot again, I’m going to sit and whinge to anyone that will listen and also count down the minutes until I can go home and whinge a little bit more…

Thanks for listening

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